To The Ladies – Bad Relationships
Attraction must be put into consideration when talking about a romantic relationship. You cannot love someone you are not attracted to, and the first attraction of women towards Men is in a different way to that of Men towards women. Most Men are first attracted to Women by the way they look. Interestingly enough, serious Ladies seek for Human qualities and not the physical beauty of a man, concentration on the personality and behavioral qualities that would make a flitting match for their personality. Women derive delight and pleasure on a deeper level. This ever so complicated process takes more soul and emotional communication with her partner. Sexual satisfaction for most women does not solely come in a physical form. Women require emotional nurture and need to count on affection and understanding from the partner. Therefore, while the physical counts a lot on the first attraction of a man towards a woman, the physical is totally irrelevant for the woman.
Most often, it is not our fault when a bad relationship happens or a good relationship ends in a bad note, in which more of the ladies innocently fall victims than the Men. How?
The man easily gets physically attracted to the woman (only on few occasions do the reverse occur) and the man could as well easily fake factors of attraction towards him. For example, a woman loves a well- dressed, polite, gentle and very Humble Man. These qualities can easily be faked and patiently maintained for a certain period of time by any interested man, just to ensure he has her to himself. But as for the woman, how can she pretend to be tall, busty and curvy just to get a man who has such taste, which is the direct opposite of what she is? In general, lustful driven acquaintances are mostly triggered by the men.
The point is some relationships which end badly are as a result of a planned intention even before they get started and a large percentage of this situation is well executed by the Men. He sees what he likes and then strategizes on how to get what he wants. Love at first sight rarely ever exists and relationships built on Love are not a one day or one sight process. Gradual growth propelled by building blocks of trust, responsibilities, patience and other good virtues is the key.
But for a person, with an already planned intention, he never cares about the whole process. He maybe patient enough to inculcate himself into it but that doesn’t mean he is a part of it. After having sight of her for maybe the third time, what is in his mind is not her- but getting what he wants.
Although, ladies could be planners and executors too. But more of the villain here falls to the men, leaving the ladies as the victims. We may argue this fact that though, some men are not to be blamed, in some situations; the ladies sexually stimulate the men and thereby resulting to their “hunting”. But the focus here is on the prey and the predator, regardless of its cause.
“He was so sweet and very romantic. I watched him closely for two weeks, even though we started kissing and just in the fourth week, he dumped me after having sex with me. I thought I was careful enough to know he was my Mr. Right and his actions towards me never gave me the hint he had an ulterior motive”. Miss Olga (not her real name), a Ukrainian student of sociology laments.
If you say you watch him closely, then that is what you should be doing in totality, as you both go deep in knowing each other. Already kissing, when you are closely watching him will distort your consciousness and before you realize it, there is already an emotional attachment which makes you subsequently overlook what is meant to be taken seriously and hence masking your alertness and senses.
“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender”. By the German Author and Journalist, Emil Ludwig. Most ladies think the surrender is until they have sex with him and hence feel very free to start kissing him even on the slightest feeling of likeness to the guy. But this is not true. Even mere romance could show it.
Every stage supposes to be distinct and separate from all other stages in a relationship and it is best it stays that way. We humans are not the same and there is no fixed period of time you need to know an individual gut as much as possible, take a longer period of time to do so. If he has a planned intention, it is either he gives up due to lack of patience or he starts falling in Love with you. Though, on rare occasions, Men seem to have this “die- hard” approach and still stick to their plan with a lot of patience but even with this, mathematically speaking you have two out of three chances to your favor; in which the final chance could stand another probability of been exposed.
Mary Tyler Moore, an American actress once quotes “sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you are really strangers”. The first step in a relationship a lady should take seriously is the “cautiously- know him” step and it is advised that though she may, with time like him, she should try her best possible to avoid acts of expressing her emotions such as kissing and romance. Make this stage strictly for knowing each other and establishing a good acquaintance. And as much as possible, let this period have long duration, depending on the pace of the relationship. If he truly loves you, he will gladly follow suit.
Someone with a planned intention acts perfectly. He does not want to lose his prey by getting her upset knowingly or unknowing; directly or indirectly. So, they act so close to been the perfect persons for you. They are too humble, impressive in everyway possible, unusually submissive e.t.c. For the first few weeks, you noticed that nothing seem wrong, no disagreements, his calmness envelopes all potential conflicts and his submission makes your deeds spotless and blameless. In such a situation, you the Lady should watch closely and give more time to really study the sequence of events. Tolerance is one of the key factors in a relationship since two different individuals are involved.
“He seems to come from above, He is quick to apologize, he takes all the blame, making me feel untouchable and loved. I really feel like a queen right now” Miss Shurno talkamaar, an Indian internet investor said, after meeting a man for two weeks. But three months later, this was her story “He is worse than the Devil, I have never seen a guy like that before. It was like, everything he portrayed in the first three weeks became the direct opposite in the last three weeks of our relationship. I just had to leave and get on with my Life”.
The turning point was when she helped him join a business of his dream in the third week of their relationship. Knowing fully well, she could not get him out, he decided to show who he really is. His intention was to use her to join the business after which she became so insignificant to him. He did not dump her directly but found an indirect method which was even more frustrating and inhumane. An Alexander Penney’s quote states “the ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands”. No matter how long it takes, do not give your full trust yet to a new relationship without disagreements or/and flaws. “In any relationship in which two people become one, the end result is two half people” by Wayne Dyer an American self- help Advocate Author, Lecturer and Humanist. Once you are in that, the two partners are becoming one person, and if the two couples are each halved, it shows incompleteness. The first period of a relationship should even be more crucial because a new process has just begun and not only knowledge of new things would be observed, also tolerance and conflicts as well.
A person who has a planned intention is ready to play the fool and move along for some time just to get what he needs. Love is not a need; it is a natural process which covers all needs. If there is a need from one partner even before the relationship starts, then the other partner is in serious danger. No wonder the London born English psychiatrist and Author, Anthony storr quotes “it is only when we no longer compulsorily need someone that we can have a real relationship with them”. Giving your best or even your all, without expecting something in return, without expecting something in return, is the type of mentality the two parties in a relationship should have. It is about “give and take” but not “give to take”. No one is saying your relationship should be rough before you see some normality and/or sincerity in it. NO! But the point is, at least the two of you should pass through some differences. Remember, he might have taken his time to observe and study you if not accurately, then almost that. He may still want to show some uniqueness but be very sensitive to his actions. He would never want to do anything to lose you before he gets what he wants and hence there would definitely be an unnatural sequence of activities he would try to display.
All said and done, a planned intention could be propelled Lust or other external attractions in which if it is the later, he may not really want to have anything intimate with you. He would just play around for the time been until finally he gets his desires.
“Lust is easy, Love is hard; like is the most important”- Carl Reiner. As for the former, if you the woman are not too sure whether he is lusting after you, then capitalize on his ‘dramatized’ likeness and prolong it. Subsequently, you will know whether the equilibrium is shifting towards lust or towards love. In some case, the initial lust may even become Love.
The man on top of his game.
Unlike in planned intention where the man comes quietly with some respect for you, takes his time to play around then when he gets what he wants, he leaves you immediately either by dumping you, or frustrating you to leave. A ‘man on top of his game’ is an even more embarrassing situation which has the man cheating on many ladies at a time.
From the ebony article “sisters beware, the five forbidden fruits”. Zondra Hudges explained in details the categories of Men she feels sisters would be flirting with disaster if they tangle with. These categories include;
The married man
The best friend’s man
The Casanova- worker, and
Mr. Lover man.
I sum up all these men into one category- The man on top of his game. He feels he cannot be done without. He feels very important and to an extent, he can even broadcast his “game CV” to his various mistresses. He is very calculative, a good time manager in apportioning to his women. He is only serious when he needs you around and rarely feels sorry for any mistake or bad act he commits.
“I just can’t help it, I love him so much and I wished he loved me only half as much as I do. I know he fools around but he is such a nice and sweet guy and I do not blame the other women who want him too. I just want to be his number one lady, and be in his top chart”. Miss Elaine, a bank Manager said. But the truth is, the more you work so hard to be his number 1 lady, the more he sees you as his easy game asset. And hence, the lesser your chances of even topping his chart.
Dr La Tatia Stroud, a Chicago based composer and Licensed specialist for children disabilities wrote on her website “Don’t spend your Life trying to convince anyone about your value, if they can’t see it themselves then you are not in their line of vision”. Also Robert Anthony quotes “the one who loves the least controls the relationship”. If he controls the relationship, he can dump you at will in his own convenience. The worst scenario is when he has a wife. Brittian Wilder, the Author of “Understanding the games men play” warns, “He is hypocritical because he cheats on his Wife but expects his mistresses to be faithful to him” One thing you should know is that there is a very high probability he is not leaving his wife for you. You are just a hobby to him and after the whole game, you stand out to lose everything because he can still maneuver his way to remain with his wife and family even if his extra curricular activities are been finally exposed.
Sometimes I sit back and wonder why some women still go after such relationships knowing fully well the consequences there after. Then I got an insight from Anthony Robbin’s quote “why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work towards solutions or end it and move on? It’s because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they are already experiencing”.
Now the question is, what is the unknown? The fear of protracted loneliness. This is the nearest possible answer I can think of. Does that mean a woman cannot get “hooked- up” after a failed relationship? Margarita, a final year student of Journalism in Ukraine once said “I have had 12 different relationships and I am already 24. I feel I have passed my peak. Ukraine is blessed with so many pretty girls, so I grab the man I can get and enjoy him while it last. It all depends on him, not me and so I do not care his relationship status or what he is like”. Another girl from Sweden said “My mum was a prostitute and people know about this. Since I do not have a father, everyone seems to have a bad perception about my birth. So no man takes my feelings seriously, only my body. What then should I do? I simply give it to them and at least for that period of time I do not get lonely”.
Majority of women have these problems simply because of their bad psychological status about themselves. The fact, everyone knows about your mum (past) is not a yardstick to become and act so inferior to your own self and Identity. In fact, such circumstances give you an opportunity to prove them wrong. It is so pathetic that some women suffer from abject inferiority complex that they do not even see themselves worthy of a good man. While some create a bad conviction about men, maybe after some bad experiences.
“I feel any man on the streets always think of what is underneath the skirt of every girl he passes by” Angelina, a civil servant from Lagos Nigeria stated. I do not know if this kind of a thought is for self alertness, but if you believe so much in this kind of thought, you may as well react in accordance to this mentality when a Man approaches you, regardless of whom he is- good or bad.
The general problem is the “self”. Some do not even love themselves, let alone having the confidence to be loved. Bad experiences do happen but they ought not to break us. Life is full of stages and experiences, whether good or bad are meant to widen our scope or perspective and as well increase our survival value. “people are going to want you, exceed you, take you, love you, play you, rate you, and break you but that’s what makes you. (www.allpoetry.com/MCR+Moon). Dwelling on the past, rots the present and subsequently the future. Past failed relationships are not an excuse for experiencing more failed ones. The most dangerous mistake most girls make is trying to harden their hearts. And who said another guy would not be able to penetrate through it again? And what if it happens to be another bad guy and he puts you back to the state you most feared? What would you do next? Commit suicide? “You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have and until you spread your wings, you have no idea how far you can fly”. No one is saying you should not be cautious next time, but taking a directly opposite “U” turn to reject all men coming your way will not help the situation, except if you have decided to become a nun.
The only thing serious ladies need before going into a relationship is to believe in themselves. Believe and Love yourself. Be confident, you deserve a good man and believe he will come soon. “You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a Life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people, you will know in a Lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose”- Jo Coudert. [The Pennsylvania born writer and Author], taken from her book, Advice from a failure. Even the Holy Scriptures says “Love your neighbor as yourself”. You can never feel so negative about yourself and then expect a positive approach from another person. The systematic international (S.I) unit of Love is the “self”. YOU! Only this way, you stand a great chance in finding a Man who will Love you, even more.